Writing Journal

I'm doing NaNoWriMo prep, which, right now, means cruising the forums.
One of the reasons FFaD failed last year is because I tried telling Lawrence's story from my perspective.  I can't.  I wasn't there with him before or after I got on the train, you know?  I can't tell his experience from my perspective.  I have to tell his story from his POV.  But, I've never been a seventeen year old black kid in Detroit.  I've actually done quite a bit of research about this, and have come to terms with the fact that I can imagine myself in his shoes.  I can do a lot of research into how someone with his demographic makeup might act or react to certain things.  That part, I'm getting to feel confident about.  Maybe not comfortable, but confident.  If that distinction makes any sense.

There is still one problem, though.  Really, it's just one word.  It's when the climax hits him, he reacts by mumbling, "Nigga gotta lie down," repeatedly.  I don't feel comfortable or confident using that word.  It makes me nervous even here, on my own little blog.  I don't like that word.  I don't use it, I don't like hearing it, but I generally feel the same way about most other heavy cuss words.  (The difference is, those cross my thoughts on rare occasions.)

But, as a white, female author, I feel like I need to ask the black community for permission to use that word.  I feel like I need to get someone's stamp of approval before I quote him on that.  Even if there were one person or organization to grant me that permission, it wouldn't be easy because even within the black community, there are mixed feelings about that word.  Some people feel it's acceptable use is based upon whose mouth it comes out of.  Some feel it's not acceptable in mixed race company (i.e., black people will say it around their black friends but not their white friends).  Some people want to do away with all forms of the word (with and without the hard "r" sound at the end).

I foresee many more sleepless nights trying to figure out if "Brother gotta lie down" packs the same punch.  I want to be authentic, but I also want to be positive and not perpetuate anything offensive.  Overall, I expect to portray Lawrence as a kind, loyal young man with potential for good works, even though he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Because that's how I saw him.  But now I feel like I'm "justifying" my use of that word.  I don't know; maybe disillusioned Chiraq can give him a talk about not using that word in front of white people.

I don't want people to dismiss the entire work because of that one word.  But I don't want to dilute the experience, nor do I want to censor the characters.  Like, if that's what he's would (did) say, that's what he should say, right?

*sigh*
Like I said, many more sleepless nights.